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The Winter of WaitingOh, how I have gotten myself in a difficult place with this sweet, mismatched man who has declared his affection for me! I wrote him a letter saying that we are not meant to be at least for now, which I still fully advocate in my head, and even deepest in my heart: for I cannot deny that there is no peace, no deep and unconditional peace there on his behalf.
The problem is that my heart was beginning to bloom under his attentions, feeling the sweet affirmation of being beautiful, and since I made my side clear, these pleasant words have stopped. His eyes still say that he thinks I’m pretty, but there are no words to confirm it. I myself chose to cut off this source of sunshine, return to the Winter of Waiting; now my heart must wilt back into the dormant state of sitting patiently, indefinitely, until the right and true source of Spring might come along.
I see why the Shulammite adjured so passionately the daughters of Jerusalem not to awaken love until it desired! For once the beautiful warmth of the sun has been felt, how much colder blows the wind when it is again clouded over. (Song of Songs 2:7)
Thus I must plod, Do patient, Do honest, Do humble, forgetting the profound delight of feeling a man’s admiration, and knowing that true Beauty and Love is yet to be found, infinitely better than this.
The melancholy version of this, which I have felt to my core in these transitory days, is ‘how does one deal with Lonely?‘ for I have heard that it is impossible to be complete when together with a man if one is not complete before his entrance.
This presents me with a paradox! For Jesus is wonderful, absolutely my Prince of Peace and the Savior not only of my soul but daily of my heart and its whims; but He created in me the desire to be with a man, to care for a man, to be cared for by a man. I have some Lonely in my heart that only He can fill, but also some that only -he- can fill. What do I do? In the moment that it strikes me, to what can I turn my thoughts? What do I read, whom do I call, what do I run far away from thinking? I can say to myself, ‘all in good time, dear, and how wonderful it shall be!’ but that does not fill the ache.
This time is not without its joys.. all I can do is live on, with my eyes closed and my faith open.
***
This is posted from A NightLight: On the Winter of Waiting at the blog The Run a Muck.What do you think? Do you find some Lonely in your heart that only Christ can fill, but also some that only a 'he' can fill?
♥ ferree
I felt that way when I was single - before Michael and I got married. It was awful. We didn't get married until just a month before my fortieth birthday, so it was a long season of loneliness.
ReplyDeleteI'm not yet lonely for anyone else. I just want to go home and be reunited with Michael. I think that's got to be pretty normal at six months out.
Great post! I want you to follow up on this topic!!
ReplyDeleteKind Regards,
Nita
Thank you both for your comments. Joannah, I believe many would agree that your feelings are totally normal. I think it's a wonderful thing, and a tribute to your marriage. And Nita, I'm glad you're interested in a follow-up. If you click on the link to Amber's blog, she may have some pertinent posts, just not from a widows context. Otherwise, shoot me an email about what aspect of the topic you're most interested in: loneliness in general, realtionships with men, finding a soulmate, etc. I'll look forward to hearing from you. This blog is driven by readers like you. Hugs to you both.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you wrote this post?
ReplyDelete