How Do You Know When You're Ready To Date?

WARNING: All this week we'll be talking about dating and remarriage. I want to be very sensitive since everyone is at different points. I know some readers are ready and interested, others will groan with pain, some will throw their PC monitor through the window with anger and frustration!
If this topic isn't for you, I understand. Please get to know the other good parts of this blog: visit the Memorial Wall and other tabs at the top of the blog, check out the Archives and Labels, or visit the great blogs on the blogroll. (And please click on the pink circle on the right to vote for Widows Christian Place every day, this is really important!) 
      For sure, most widows have to come to terms with dating sooner or later. For me, the night before the funeral my son asked if I was going to get married again!
      "No!" I exclaimed. But I was wrong. Much to my surprise.
      To start off topic, let me share with you an email I recently received. I'll reply, and I hope you'll add your comments, too.

Hi Ferree!
     I was curious to know if you have any advice for widows and widowers to help determine if they might be ready to consider dating?
     This issue, of opening oneself to the possibility of letting another person into their lives again, is an area that invites lots of concern and anxiety. Since you have remarried, I thought you might have some words of wisdom for us.
     I am struggling with this a bit, not even sure if this is what I want. I suppose that in itself should tell me a lot! I loved my husband so much and he loved me so well and unconditionally, I find it hard to believe I could be so blessed again.
     And then, there is the reality of the beautiful freedom I now enjoy, although I never would have chosen this path for myself, of course.
     I miss my husband terribly, but thankfully, I am not lonely. I have to say that I enjoy my solitude. It has contributed greatly in my growing intimacy with the Lord.
     Your website has been so helpful, I am just curious how you personally knew you were ready. Thanks so much for listening to my thinking out loud, so to speak. 
Hugs,
Call Me "Just Wondering"

Dear Just Wondering,
     What a good question, "How did I know when I was ready to date?"
     I've been asked how Tom and I met, and how I knew Tom was "the one," but your question is a first, and its very thought provoking. And maybe my points will help you gauge your own readiness, right?
     First of all, let me give a disclaimer and say this was just my experience; it's not doctrine or anything I'd stake my life on. But maybe it's good for something, or good food for thought.
      I feel fortunate that I heard positive attitudes about dating both before and after I was widowed. My first husband, Bruce, and I joked about it ocassionally before he died. He always made it very clear that I was his "one and only," but if the Lord took me home first, I had made him love being married and he would want to get married again. My response was that I'd rather die than live without him, but I never followed through with that. (smile) The point is, Bruce left me with the tremendous gift of knowing he'd want me to date and remarry. After he died, random people came across my path who would say things like, "Getting married again is a tribute to the happy marriage you had." Their words always stuck to me like a permission slip. Not every widow feels like she has that positive spin on dating nor that feeling of freedom to date, but that's where I was coming from.
     Although society around me and the words of Bruce gave me freedom to date, I sure wasn't ready to date. Two things were against me. Dating was like putting me in the pilots seat of flying airplane. And by the way, I don't know how to fly!
     I was too vulnerable. And too blind or stupid to admit I was vulnerable! I also thought I was very independent and could/would/should make it on my own. It took a couple of schoolgirl-like crushes on some penpals to admit how vulnerable I was. And it was a huge blow to my pride to realize that men were fascinating! I needed them! I found their views and opinions so different from my own; it was like putting on a different kind of eyeglasses and finding out I could see through them, too. The world through a man's eyes was really interesting! I loved my girlfriends, and they were so great and supportive, but to hear a man's viewpoint and voice really fed my mind and spirit in a different way.
     These things started to snowball after my first year of widowhood and a huge discontentment set in upon me. Also, my grief was coming to a head with all sorts of questions I couldn't verbalize--I just knew they were there. The discontent leeched the life out of me, it was always there with its hollow yearning. I prayed and prayed about it, but it seemed like God was stone silent, and it was an awful time. The loneliness was almost a physical pain. I kept on with my plans for a future and enrolled in grad school; it looked like I was "moving along." But it was really hard. One thing I did do though was to keep on praying/whining/lamenting/crying to God even though I wasn't sure He was there or that He cared. I won't say I was as noble as Jacob in the Bible when he wrestled with the angel of the Lord and said, "I will not let go until you bless me," but I do look back at that time as just hanging on and mechanically following God's ways without feeling any of God's love or comfort. I was miserable! Then something really good happened that gave me a glimmer of hope--but that's another story.
     And after THAT, my friends figured out I needed to start dating just for fun. My girlfriend Laura took my picture and helped me sign up on a singles site. Michelle set me up with a blind date. I met another wonderful penpal on the singles site, and I dated three men I met on it. (One looked like Kevin Costner in his picture, but he smelled like mothballs when I met him in person--for the first and last time. I broke up with the other one after about two months, and the third one was Tom).
     All that to say, dear Wondering, that I did NOT know when I was ready to date until after I started dating. GOD SPARED ME and kept my plane from crashing. I wasn't ready to date and could have really made my life miserable with some huge dating mistakes. But shortly after meeting mothball man was when it happened--when I finally knew I was ready to date. I had learned something very important on that date. Mothball man liked me, they all liked me. And I hope this doesn't sound horribly arrogant or ignorant, but this is what I learned:

I realized that I had been a great wife. And I realized that I would be a great wife for just about any man, but here's the part that made me ready to date---this is really good---drumroll please---NOT just any man would be a great husband for me!

      What relief! I determined to not "settle" for just anyone. The contentment came. I became. Me. Just me. And in the process I met Tom, and he wasn't just any man. He was good, he was righteous, he was generous, he wanted the very best for me . . .
      I hope that wasn't a big let down and everyone thinks I was really stupid. I hate how much my answer sounds like pop psychology! But it answers the question-- if I ever knew I was ready to date again, it was when I realized what a valuable person I was, and that if a man were to come into my life he would have to be someone who was the best for me. So I have to honest with you no matter what you think of me. And I believe honesty is foundational to dating readiness.
      From the first I should have admitted I had a lot to learn, but I didn't know widowhood could be so complicated! I wasn't intentionally lying to myself, but I was avoiding having to think things through.
And you know what? When I was widowed, there wasn't a blog like this to help me out and open my eyes to this junk. I was pretty isolated and didn't reach out to anyone for help. I wanted to be invisible, I was very raw and wounded and didn't know where to turn. It was so hard, but in the big picture, God was there. He was faithful. And I'm eternally grateful I survived.
     That's why I do this blog. I know many widows are fighting for their lives and gasping for hope. There's no one to talk to, no one who "gets it," especially if they're young. But here's a safe place where under the cloak of anonymity they can start to get a foothold and some sanity, learning from my stupidity and my successes, and from others' as well. So please chime in with your experiences and comments. You're comments will mean a lot to everyone, too!
      Well, I'm sorry how long this grew today! Tomorrow, we'll look at some checkpoints to consider before starting to date, Wednesday will be about avoiding sexual immorality, Thursday some internet dating sites, and so on. We'll be talking about dating all this week! I'll be spouting off my opinions, experience, and take on Scripture, so feel free to join in with your own.
     I look forward to lots of comments this week, and thanks again to "Just Wondering."
♥ ferree