11 Months Into The Journey

Last week a young widow posted this on Lifeboat, and although "what's said in the group stays in the group," I thought this could be so encouraging to a larger audience that I asked her permission to post it here. Her prayer is that it will be of comfort to someone and I believe it truly will. ♥ ferree

January 27 at 2:25pm

I remember the first few moments, first few days and weeks. I remember the pure fear and overwhelming sense of despair. My constant tears, bawling spells and being paralyzed internally... 

I realize today's crying spells that happen during worship or the ones brought on by triggers are so different than before. 

Today my tears are for the most part just pure missing him. Before I couldn't see how I could go on and what I'd go on for. I forced myself to, and only for my children ...I couldn't see how there would be any joy or peace in my life again. I was terrified and couldn't see how we were going to be ok. 

Today I am thankful to not be there anymore. Praise You, Jesus! 

We are still healing and our pain is still very new as we are only 11 months in. But I now am able to see healing and hope. My faith has grown and I know my Savior on a whole new level. Yes, I still cry for my children and have moments of despair. But it is not like before. 

I will be bluntly honest. Shortly after loosing the love of my life people starting telling/reminding me that Jesus would be my husband now. Well, I didn't want Him to be my husband. Do you know what? I'm sure He understood...

I guess I'm sharing that because the truth is I'm finally starting to embrace Him as my everything. I have a long way to go. I still want my old comforts. Its all ok though because He is my everything and He already knows all this. He created me and He gently reminds me that my desires are not bad. He will provide what is my portion.I hope to only grow closer and closer daily to seeing it as the great gift of love that it is. 

I think of my lovely husband in his completeness in Glory. I am so thankful that I was so blessed to be a huge part of his journey given to him by our Savior. He truly lived it out well and with lots of love given to others. 

I want to now do the same. 

I want to also believe for my children that they will find true happiness and peace. My husband lost his dad when he was 15. We became friends a year later, then fell in love 5 years later. We were blessed with just under 15 years together. He found his true joy, peace and meaning, and so will my children. I have hope in these things because He is my/our REDEEMER. I pray this was of some comfort to someone.