Ambush (a sudden or surprise attack.)When I hear the word "ambush" I picture an old western movie filmed around the cliffs and rocks of Arizona where a man with a black hat, a gun, and dusty old cowboy boots is hiding in wait for an unsuspecting victim to walk by so that he can jump him.
Today I had an ambush of a different kind.
I went to a bible study and several of the woman were about my age. As each woman introduced herself, I sat and listened as she gave us a short glimpse of her life, talked about her husband and family, and the things she enjoyed doing. Most were retired as were their husbands, and they were enjoying retirement together. As the conversation moved from one woman to the next, I felt a pain that began deep within my stomach and I started to feel a little nauseous. Then the pain moved into my chest and my throat felt tight and dry.
There was a little voice inside me that said, "Run, get out of here!" I answered that little voice back with something like, "are you kidding, do you know how embarrassing that would be?" I either have to stay here so I can face these ladies next week, or quit." So, running wasn't an option. I hate it when I'm rational like that.
As we continued to circle around the room, giving each woman a turn to speak, I was relieved when the woman next to me shared a glimpse of her family life with us because she was a young mother and I felt like I could relate to her as I would one of my own children. I actually felt myself starting to relax again. I thought, "Okay, now the tough part of this conversation is over" (the part that was flooding my mind and heart, not with painful memories, but with an overwhelming realization that I am not able to have those kinds of husband and wife experiences and wonderful moments they enjoy), I thought, "I'm okay now, I can do this."
Then it was my turn to tell a little about myself. Short and sweet. That was my goal. I began by telling everyone how many children I had and about my grand children. And that was going to be it. That was all I was sharing today. And I met my goal beautifully... for a short time.
And then, as a total shock to myself, I began to open my mouth and words started spilling out. Has that ever happened to you? Have you ever spilled your guts in the spur of the moment?
I told them that my husband died and how hard it is to be alone. As my tears began to flow, I told them that I married young and divorced but I always had the love and companionship of my children, and then when I married Paul, the two of us were inseparable and we did everything together. I told them I had never been alone before. Until now. I told them how lonely it is to be a widow. UGH! I was even depressing myself!
On a good note, at least I ended by telling them that my son and his family are moving in with me for a while and how happy I am to get a break from the loneliness.
Where did all that emotion come from, those unintentional words that welled up inside me and popped up like Jiffy Pop? And why the sudden anxiety and burst of emotion?
It was an ambush.
Listening to the women (lovely women, by the way) talk about their lives with their husbands, a life like the one I used to have, caused a burst of emotion that popped out like Jiffy Pop. It pounced on me when I least expected it.
Yesterday was the two and a half year anniversary of Paul's death. 915 days since he was here. That's 130 weeks ago that I had the very life my new friends were describing. Isn't it odd how you can have what you believe to be everything one day and the next day it's gone?
I'm so thankful that I have family to support me.
It's just been one of those days.......
An "Ambush Day."
© 2014 by D. Baksai. Used by permission. Visit her blog, Sunday Mournings and view the original post and comments here: http://baksai.blogspot.com/2014/10/an-ambush.html
Boy can I relate to this! I was in church the other day, and everything was going just fine. The husband in front of me, lovingly put his arm around his wife. I looked over at several other couples and they were snuggling into each other, the way Bob and I used to! I looked at the empty spot in my pew next to me, and the "ambush" began! I quietly slipped out into the restroom and had a good cry! When I was done, I returned to the service. I miss my precious Bob so much! 41 years is a long time to be together. But I know that by God's grace, I will get thru this!
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous, I'm sure you speak for hundreds of other widows too who've been "ambushed" in church of all places! When we least expect it. Good for you to have a good cry and then return to the service, God will see you through! The tears will come but 41 years is a precious treasure, so of course they will come. Hugs to you, you are cherished and beloved.
DeleteI experienced the same feeling when I joined the "Women of all ages" city life group at my church. I told myself that I was just going to sit back and not say anything, one question and before I knew it I was sharing about my journey from wife to widow. It was as if I was having an out of body experience. Four years from the day I started this journey and I still find it hard to believe, but oh I am grateful that I found this site, for it a source of encouragement, wisdom and knowledge.
ReplyDeleteThank you Vanessa for your enccouraging words. The Lord must have led you here, and He'll never fail you! It's good and helpful to be able to tell your story. Sometimes it gushes out, other times we reveal it bit by bit. You must have known you were in a supportive and safe group that day and that's what we always aim for here too.
DeleteIt's amazing the big things and the little things that trigger grief. I thought that they would stop at some point, but after 5 1/2 years I am finding that they keep coming and will always be a part of my life. Thank you for your posts this week.
ReplyDeleteCandy