What Not to Say to Widows

Sometimes people ask me what they can say to their widowed friends.

Let's start with the "what NOT to say" answer. I heard this in church a while back and my heart responded "So true! So true!"

In the story of the blind man in John 9:1-17 the Pharisees ask the wrong question: who sinned that this man was born blind? In other words they asked why did this happen?

Asking Why? or worse yet Who sinned? are the worst things you can say when people are suffering--whether that person is yourself or another. If you're going to ask this question--well, you may as well just get out a whip. Same thing.

God hasn't revealed the "why" to suffering except that we live in a fallen world.
You know this is true. Just look at the book of Job: God devoted an entire book proving how useless man's efforts are when trying to explain suffering.

There is no answer worthy of suffering except that Jesus died to save us. His death is the only death that can bring comfort. Through Christ's death on the cross He conquered death through his resurrection, and offers eternal life to us through faith. That's the only time death made any sense or brought any comfort.

And then there are those who think our suffering is due to lack of faith. If we had "enough" faith we could move mountains. My husband Tom got this pitch when his wife Marilyn was dying of cancer. They could "overcome with enough faith." Ha! There are many things on earth that faith overcomes, but what God allows is not one of them: we all have our appointed day.

So what can you say to someone who's suffering?

Platitudes and cliches will sting when grief is raw. Unless you have the sort of relationship that has earned you the right to be heard, you don't need to say anything. Just be there. Weep with those who weep. Don't even tell them you'll pray for them. Just pray for them--later on you can tell them you are still praying. One woman I met for the first time months after Bruce's funeral told me she had prayed for me every day since she heard Bruce died. I was amazed at her compassion and appreciated her gift to me of taking the time to pray for me. Try doing that for people you know who are suffering.

The best way to say you care is with your deeds and help and friendship. Show that you care in practical and appropriate, need-meeting ways--pay their utility bills anonymously or buy them gift cards to the stores where they shop. Phone them. Invite them to dinner, take them to a movie. . . Don't ignore your widowed friends or act like it never happened.

Real compassion = time + commitment

What would you tell someone who wanted to know what to say to someone who's grieving? I'd love to hear from you and I'll post your comments as soon as possible.
♥ ferree