Here are some struggles I wrote in my little notebook last Friday:
ENVY - wishing my life was "normal" like other people's....people who I think happily live in their own little world and have fun with family and grandkids popping in all week. When I get like this I can't even walk through the baby aisles at Walmart. sigh.
DREAD - Living here in SC is like a big speed bump in my life. It's so far from our family that moving again seems inevitable. But it's a no-win situation: hard to stay, hard to move. I fear both with the loneliness and hard work of trying to fit in somewhere else.
JOY - It's like I don't have room for it. Heavy other things snuff it out.
I knew I had to pray about this junk. I didn't really know where to start though (plus I just didn't want to). I often felt this way during widowhood. Blah. Let's face it: prayer can be hard work for those of us who don't get spiritual goosebumps or have times when we don't feel "special" to God. It's also hard work when we're numb with the pain of loss (physical, emotional, and spiritual loss--pick your poison), when we've been disappointed, when expectations have failed, when we're running on fumes... when life just sucks.
Two things I learned from widowhood kicked in though. 1). Put my "big girl panties" on, just do it--pray! and 2). Use somebody else's prayers. (Yes! It's OK to copy-cat pray. That's why the Psalms are in the Bible).
Here's page two from my notebook. (I took notes while I prayed through Psalm 30).
What God wants to do for me:
- to lift me out of the depths
- to not let my enemies gloat (I only have one human enemy that I know of, but I have many spiritual enemies which I don't see--God is against them! yay!)
- to heal me
- to bring me up from the grave
- to spare me from going down
He also wants to do the following:
- to favor me for a lifetime
- for me to experience rejoicing
- for me to place my confidence in seeing his face, not in my feelings of success and security (v. 6)
- for me to call to him for mercy
- for my goals to be to praise him and proclaim his faithfulness
- for me to ask. Just ask! Is that so hard? (v. 10)
- he wants to turn my wailing to dancing, and clothe me with joy and a heart that continually sings thanks
I'm honest enough to tell you that I did not immediately get up from prayer and walk away with a light heart and dancing feet---but a few hours passed and so did most of the blahs, blues and bummers. Once again, God's Word met my need. Try it--take Psalm 30 and list what God wants to do for you. I'd love to see your notes like I've shared mine with you. You're His favorite too.
Your post was a blessing to me today! I lost the big tree in our front yard last night after a freak snowstorm and I was feeling sad and depressed that my precious husband wasn't here to save the day with his chainsaw. To keep myself busy today, I decluttered and organized my dresser drawers. I found a new notebook in one of the drawers that will be perfect for recording victories and struggles, and for my Bible devotional reading. I have also been in the same place you are as far as moving away from here being so hard but little by little I am getting my house ready to put on the market. I know it will be a blessing to move and not be so isolated. Thank you for the inspiration and sharing a sense of connection with others!
ReplyDeleteGinger, you're an encouragement to me! I hope your notebook will become as much a treasure to you as mine have to me. In the months and years ahead you will look back on what God showed you and how He directed you through your Bible reading! Relocating is hard, as you know, but it's full of wonderful "coincidences" (aka miracles) for God's children. Please keep me posted!
DeleteContinuing to be blessed by the words you write.
ReplyDeleteThank you for blessing me with your kind words. Maybe someday we will know each other :) Have a very special Easter this year.
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